She

Nine years have passed already. I didn’t realize it had been so long since our story began. What can I still recall before all the memories fade away?  Is it the verdant leaves on campus, the sweet smell of grass in the sun or the corners of my brand new desk and chair? I can’t remember how that girl with a white dress appeared in front of my eyes, but I do remember what she looked like and what attracted my focus. I was very shy and I always buried my feelings, fearing others may dig out my secret. But time changed that little boy, and made him dig out what he wanted to hide and to be public in others’ vision.

Her name is Chen ZenYing. Back then, we didn’t know that so much would happen between us. She was so stubborn. Back then, I was just curious about that girl who I never talked to and wondered what she was like. I just wanted her to talk to me, or even just to glance at me.

Back then she was in 5th grade and I was one year older than she. She had arched eyebrows and curved eyelashes; it was like a fairy was fanning her wings when she blinked her eyes, Sylphlike cheek and a small mouth.  All those things made my heart beat so deeply. Only one thing I wasn’t satisfied with her stature. She was taller than me; it was very embarrassing for a male to be shorter than a female if they were lovers. I was always looking for a chance to talk to her, but it was tough for a demure boy.  When I was an elementary student or a middle school student, my friends and classmates would always call me “melancholy prince” because I would always stare at the sky and I barely talked to others. Later on, they called me “callous” or “an insensitive boy.” I never denied it and I was a little proud of it, probably that was one thing about me that she liked. 

Soon after, I launched my plan to attract her attention. It was a noonday, we were leaving school. Normally, it took about 15 minutes to get to my house, but instead of going home; I saw her in the crowd and followed her silently. After we passed through a bunch of foxtails, she stopped and asked me why I was following her. I insistently denied it and tried to make friendship with her, but my mouth didn’t go with my mind. “Did you bully my friend?” I asked her. What a stupid question to ask a girl, and I didn’t give her much time to answer it either. I pushed her away and told her to leave my friend alone. Perhaps, I pushed her too hard that she fell down on the grass. Then she started to cry. It was first time of the many times that I saw her cry. 

In the afternoon when we were back in the school, my teacher called me to her office. When I went to the office I saw ZenYing was there and some scratches on her leg. My teacher asked me did I do that or not? I admitted, and apologized to her. Then my teacher let me escort her to school infirmary, so I did. I walked very slowly on the way to the school infirmary on purpose so I could talk to her longer.

It was Friday morning. I walked into class, put my backpack into my desk’s drawer and saw a piece of paper in my drawer. I thought someone just left it there for me to clean up so I got so mad that I crumpled the paper up, and threw it in the garbage can. When school was over, I stayed for about 20 minutes then I walked out of my class. I was surprised when I saw her sitting on the stairs next to my classroom. It was about 5pm and we had been dismissed at 4:30 pm. I walked to her and questioned her why she was sitting there. She didn’t answer me, but she asked me what my opinion was. I didn’t know what opinion she was talking about and I was bewildered. Then she started weeping and said a whole bunch of things to me. Then it finally hit me. She wrote me a letter, not just any letter but the one I crumpled and had thrown into the garbage can. After that we confirmed our relationship.

"Life is not the amount of breaths you take; it is the moments that take your breath away." Those days with her were the best moments in my life. We promised we would be together forever, no matter what. We walked to school together and walked home together, we hung out over weekends, but everything was secretly conducted. It was the happiest time in my school’s life but it didn’t last long. I had to face one thing. It was almost time for me to graduate elementary school, but she still had one more year in that school. Later on, I went to another school, and she was in 6th grade. When petals leave flowers, the fragrance still remains and the fragrance dispels in wind or after rain.

Almost one year had past and we didn’t talk to each, but I still got news about her from my friend, her classmate. Once he told me she was in trouble. Her father came to school and she didn’t show up in class for the first two classes. When she came back, her eyes were red and swollen like she had been crying, but he didn’t know for a fact. The next day, I went to her school and waited outside but I didn’t see her at all. I went there the next day in the morning very early and waited. I saw her, I asked her what had happened, but she didn’t answer me and walked away. I got all the information from her best friend; it was all because of me and her diary. Her dad had read her diary and he got so mad at her that he went to her school. He asked the teacher who the guy was, but no one knew because there was no one there anymore.

We met again after 6 months. It was as if destiny brought us together for the very last time. She gathered all her courage and asked me to get back together with her. I could tell that she was holding back her tears after she lowered her head. "I love you not because of who you are, but who I am when I am with you, but I am not who I really am anymore," was the last thing I said to her. That was the last time I ever saw her again. 

Now I cherish those memories but we can’t go back. The past is the past; there is no regret pill to take. I have failed her. Even though nine years have passed already, I still cannot forget about her or the memories we had together.